Why did it happen to me? A simple question, but an answer I cannot find, for people are not willing to discuss it. It’s because of that ‘thing’ that makes me contemplate everything. Some days my life isn’t worth living, other days I’m as happy as if I had won an academy award. Most days I’m mediocre, barely ripples on an ocean surface, wishing the days away.
This country, a beautiful country if I’ve ever seen one, disappoints me. Why? Because our ‘mate ship’ and kindness has been ripped out from our hearts, by the skewer that is our government, and is never to return.
The day started off dull and gray. I was depressed about the weather, but I rugged up and headed into the city. By the afternoon, I was in shorts and a t-shirt; it was a pleasant 32 degrees, the sun was shining brightly and I was over the moon.
But then it happened.
I was attending the opening of the K200 nightclub when suddenly, out of the blue, the lights went out and we were plunged into darkness. It was then I heard creaks from the walls, so excruciatingly loud, like an earth shattering quake, and I also felt the boiling heat- it was that hot I simply cannot describe it. I tried looking around, but it was literally a house of horrors- half the roof was either missing or hanging from the rafters.
Looking around for my best friend, Alec, I was confronted by unimaginable horrors and carnage. However hard I looked, no matter how much I tried to walk forward on my broken leg, I could not find him.
By this time, I was burning up- both literally and metaphorically. My skin was so hot: my t-shirt must have disintegrated leaving me no protection, while my insides churned religiously. By my reckoning, I must have been in there for about another half hour. I could not tell because my watch had stopped, so I had no indication to go by. However, adrenaline and survival instincts make you forget about time.
I had to make the hardest decision of my life at that point; should I leave or should I stay behind in the bloodbath and look for Alec? Already my shoes were covered in blood and I couldn’t help but wonder if some of the blood belonged to Alec.
Despite my feelings, I simply had to get out of there, even though I wanted to stay and continue searching, however long it took me until I found him. Seeing some injured young ladies, their tops ripped off leaving them in bras and skirts, I helped them up, gently, and we tried looking for a way out, finding one after about fifteen minutes or so.
I think it was at this point I started going into shock. The looks of the girls in the skirts made me think of the ‘workers’ in the notorious red light district of town and I started to laugh softly. When we got out of there, we arrived in the middle of a blue and red light scene; police, fire and paramedics were all in attendance. As soon as they saw us emerge, the paramedics rushed over to us and we collapsed in their arms, I ended up fainting with exhaustion.
By the time I had awoken, I was in a hospital emergency room, surrounded by nurses, doctors and other medical staff, as well as all these machines making different noises, which really scared me.
At that time, a nurse saw me awaken and looking around very frightened
“You’re ok now. You are in safe hands. There is nothing to be afraid of, you are perfectly safe now.”
I didn’t really believe her, because after all she couldn’t tell me where my best friend was now, could she?
I tried to speak, to find out what happened and where my best friend was, but for some reason or another I couldn’t. Just then I realised that I had a breathing tube stuck down my throat.
“Don’t try to talk. I will get you a whiteboard and a marker for you to write on.” The nurse said and went to find a whiteboard and marker.
After five minutes, she was back again and I wrote my first message.
“It was a bomb of some sort. No one knows where it was, but they think that it was somewhere in the nightclub, and a lot of people are investigating it.”
“Who was it?’” I wrote.
“Again no one knows. By the way, my name is Jenni.”
By that time, I was exhausted by the facts that I was involved in a terrorist attack, no doubt about it, and I collapsed into oblivion again.
By the time I awoke for a second time, it was four weeks later.
The injuries that I received were third degree burns on 65% of my body, I had broken my right leg and all my hair was shaved off because apparently that caught on fire.
The first people that I saw when I awakened from my coma were two of my mentors and high school teachers, Paul Velasco and Josephine Hammond.
“I’m sorry” was the first thing I said and I burst into tears.
“Cameron, Cameron” Josephine said softly, stroking the back of my hand.
The look on her face, the look of complete despair on both their faces, was so heartbreaking, so completely desolate, I continued to cry.
“Cam, you don’t have to apologise to us, it wasn’t your fault that it happened to you. You didn’t deserve it, and you will get through it.” Paul said.
The surprise of seeing them, after four years away, coupled with the fact that I was just involved in a bomb blast and I just couldn’t stop crying my eyes out.
Why weren’t my parents here I couldn’t help thinking. But then the fact that they had passed away only two years ago hit me and I had to turn away, or try to at least.
“Why did you come?” I asked Josephine and Paul.
“Despite the fact that we haven’t seen each other in four years, we still remember you for the kind hearted person that you are and someone told us that you were involved, we went on a search for the hospital which you are in.”
“Can you do me a favor please?” I asked, now just sobbing quietly.
“Sure, what is it Cam?” Josephine asked.
“I was with a friend in K200, at the time. His name is Alec Madden, and I lost track of him after it. Would you be able to see if you can find out what happened to him?”
“Cam,” Paul said softly, “We already have.”
“What happened?” I asked softly. I could not bear to loose my best friend, my friend who had so many good times with.
“Well, there is no easy way to say this…” began Paul.
“He’s dead isn’t he?” I whispered part to myself and part to them.
Josephine and Paul could only nod. I had finally lost the last shred of my old life, from that moment I was born again, with nothing to live for except for myself.
I cried so much that day, for the plans we had made- when we were going to get married, regardless of if we were 25 or 55, we were to be the best man at each others wedding. We were even planning to go backpacking in Europe in just a few months time.
Now that was all gone. My life had been shattered, like a knife through my heart.
I spent the rest of the day in a trance, occasionally talking, but mostly in the land of darkness, existing in a state of comatose. I later learned that Josephine and Paul spent the day by my side, looking after me in the time when I was hallucinating from the after effects of the drugs which I was given.
“How are you doing?” Paul whispered.
It was 7:30 in the morning and I had suffered from another restless night; I couldn’t sleep for more then a couple of hours due to the flashbacks I kept having. It was deeply disturbing, more so then anything I had ever experienced before.
“Shithouse. I cannot sleep and I cannot stand having people here with me. Just bugger off and leave me alone. I don’t want you here anymore.” I said, trying to portray confidence in my voice.
“Nonsense. We will stay here until you get better, until you leave hospital, finished rehab and are back on your own two feet. Even after that, we will still be by your side, taking every step you take alongside with you.”
“But what if I don’t want too? I just can’t imagine life without Alec, he and I spent all of our time with each other. We studied together, played together when we were kids and when we had girlfriends; we even dated alongside each other. To leave something like that behind you, it’s like bad karma and something you cannot imagine.”
“I know, we know that Cam, and we don’t expect to know what you are going through. We are merely stones in the pond, there for you to stand on and use for support, because we are here to support you.” Paul responded.
By this time, we were both crying silent tears; Paul for revelations I had made and I for the discovery that both he and Josie were going to be there in the long run, as well as the daunting relisation that I was facing the road ahead without my best friend. Shortly after that, I fell back asleep again and the same old process- flashbacks and continuing awakenings began again.
I woke up at 3:00 in the afternoon, to discover that no one was in my room. About time! I thought, finally getting peace and quiet from everyone. But I also found it disturbing- Josephine and Paul said that they would stay with me, but where were they? Did they decide to abandon me?
I was still on a ‘cocktail’ of medicines at that time; pain killers and so on and so forth, which caused me to be a bit ‘off my face’, but I could still make things out and it was then I heard a commotion outside my hospital room and then, about a minute later, Josephine and Paul entered the room.
“What was that all about?” I asked my throat still croaky after having my breathing tube taken out two days ago.
“The media. They wanted an interview, but we thought that you wouldn’t want to, but after a discussion, we have come back and are asking if you want to.” Josephine said.
After thinking about it for a couple of minutes, I made up my mind.
“I will do the interviews. Who’s outside?” I asked.
“60 Minutes, Today Tonight, A Current Affair and a few other ones we don’t know.” Paul said.
“Send them in, one at a time.”
The first to come in was Liz Hayes and the team from 60 Minutes. She introduced herself and we had a bit of a chat, before we started the interview.
“Tell us what happened to you in there Cameron.”
“Well, I had been on the dance floor and heading to the bar for another drink, when the blast went off and I was thrown to the floor. The lights were off and I was knocked to the ground.
When I got back up, it was a very horrible place; a place where you don’t want to be and one full of horrors. I was burning up at that time, while looking for my best friend, but since I couldn’t find him, I headed outside and I helped some women who I found on the way.” I said softly, but with determination for my story to be heard.
“What happened to your friend? Do you know?” Liz asked.
“Yes I do.” I paused for a minute before I continued. “I found out later on that he had passed away.” With this, I started to cry softly, reliving the pain.
“Do you want to stop?” she asked.
“No, keep going.”
“How long have you been in the hospital for?”
“Well, this has been my fifth week and the first three weeks I spent unconscious. I had suffered third degree burns on 65% of my body, two broken legs and my hair had to be shaved off because it had caught fire. Truthfully, when I was told this, I burst out laughing from the weirdness of it.”
The rest of the interview was pretty much how I was etc, and the interviews with other programs were also similar to the 60 Minutes one.
Shown two days later, the interviews I did caused a lot of people to try and come to my side, but all I wanted there was Josie and Paul; they had sought me out as soon as it happened and I will never forget them.
Although most people were respectful to me if I was in the hospital cafeteria, there were others who were real nutcases to the max.
“Hey, won’t you on that TV thing?” some bogan said to me.
“Yes, I was” I replied as I wheeled myself to my table.
“All I can say, it was a total load of bullshit.”
“Excuse me, what’s that supposed to mean?” I said, raising my voice from a whisper to a sort of a yell.
“Who cares if you got blown up? Who cares if you lost your best friend? Get over it!” the dickhead screamed and walked away.
By this time people were looking at us and I was breaking down in tears again. Paul saw me; he had just come from the toilets and hurried over to me.
“Is everything ok? What happened?” he asked gently.
“Nothing, just take me back” I managed to say in between sobs.
Despite not saying what got to me, I eventually told Paul what happened. He wasn’t surprised by how I reacted, he said I had every right to respond like that, but he also gave me space to leave me with my thoughts. I spent that time crying at night to get myself to sleep.
“I’m scared” I said to Paul one day. Josie had to go back to work three times a week, but thankfully my old school let Paul stay with me, with no time limit, which was good news.
“What in particular?” Paul asked.
“What in particular?” Paul asked.
“Everything. I’m scared about my life, my relationships, I’m even scared that you will leave me one day- that you’ll just fuck off and never return.”
“You know that I’ll never leave you. From now on, I give you my promise, I’ll look after you, check up on you, because I keep my promises and you were so kind and I wish to repay that kindness.”
“What about your love life? This surely has had a adverse affect on it hasn’t it?” I asked, really wanting to know if I was also responsible for fucking up another life other then my own.
“Well, truthfully, I haven’t been laid in ages. But it’s not important- you are.” Paul said.
“I want the truth. I have listened to the love lives of other teachers when I was in school, and they all mentioned a specific sex. Everyone did but you. So, truthfully, are you gay or bisexual?” I said, just wanting to know.
“Do you really want to know Cam?” Paul said softly, like he was about to loose a part of his soul forever.
“Yes, I want the truth and frankly, I want it now!” I said, getting angry.
“Well, the truth is, I am gay. My boyfriend, who I had been with for five years, left me jut before the attack on K200. Since then I haven’t been laid, but thankfully he’s out of my life.” Paul said, although a tear did fall down his cheek.
“Why are you glad he’s gone? You obviously loved him very much.”
“Yeah, but he was also into group sex and stuff like that. I hated that after a while, and let’s just say, he wasn’t always monogamous.”
“I’m so sorry Paul. Don’t mind me, go on and get out, go to that pub in Collingwood isn’t it?” I said, raking my mind for that gay pub in inner Melbourne.
“Yeah, it’s in Collingwood.” He responded.
“Go there, have a drink, and get laid. Sex is good for you, so go have some” I said, laughing deliriously at the topic we were discussing and then I fell asleep; my energy being wasted like there was no tomorrow.
The next day I awakened to see the face of Paul, with a fresh look on his face, which gave me a smile. By the look on his face; he must have gotten lucky last night.
“Did someone strike it rich last night?” I asked groggily. God, this medicine was really stuffing me up.
“Well, yes I did” Paul said sheepishly.
“No need to be ashamed. Look at it this way; sex is a good form of exercise.” I said.
“True. How are you feeling this morning?”
“The same old. I swear this medicine is shitting me; it is making me feel nauseas…. And I’m going to be sick” I managed to say, grabbed something that resembled a bucket of sorts, and puked in it.
While I was vomiting, Paul managed to grab a nurse and they both comforted me as I vomited for the next couple of minutes
“Isn’t there anything you can do to make this nausea go away?” I asked, wiping my mouth on the back of my hand.
“Not really mate, sorry” said the female nurse. “I’m afraid that for the next couple of days, you will have to stay on them. The one which is probably making you nauseous is the one which is to stop infections.”
“Well, it’s been ages now, why can’t I stop taking it?” I asked, getting impatient.
“It’s not as simple as that; we have to wean you off it, otherwise it could…”
“Go up shit creak” I said cutting in and getting pissed off by this whole process.
“Pretty much, yeah. I couldn’t have said it much better.”
“Suppose so. This is just all a bunch of bullshit to the max. I just want to get out of this place” I said.
The nurse, after checking that I was ok and that I wasn’t about to bring up my guts, left the room.
Surprisingly, the time was only 10:00 A.M and I was already feeling like I was falling apart, not that I was ever in one piece to start with.
“I’m so tired, Paul and its not yet quarter past ten and I so wish, well never mind me. I will now go back to bed and wake back up when I’m more human again.” I said, promptly rolling over and falling back to sleep.
At lunchtime, when I woke up again, I felt like going for a walk and Paul grabbed a wheelchair and helped me into it. We brought salads from the cafeteria and we ate out in the hospital garden.
“You are so lucky Paulie. You haven’t had to put up with all this crazy shit. I swear, my head is swelling with all this crap there, it’s not funny.”
“It isn’t. You have had to put up with so much more then any of else ever would have to in our own lives and you have handled it well. Indeed, many people would respect you for being so young and handling such a set back gracefully.”
“Whatever, I don’t really care about what anyone says or thinks anymore. I have been blown up in a club, lost my best friend and now I simply cannot go back to the way of life that I had before. Screw gracefully; I rather just go and find the bastards and make them suffer the way that I had to suffer.”
Paul just did not know what to say; even if he actually said anything; I doubt that it would make me feel any better anyway. I was that sick and tired of everything that has happened to me; I could not even begin to describe half of what I was feeling.
After getting back to my hospital room; I was really crabby and tired so I managed to get rid of Paul for the afternoon and tried to get some sleep- normally I could actually get a few hours sleep in the afternoon compared to night; where there was sudden noises which made me jump when I did not know what it was and the dark scared me; the lack of light was like the darkness in K200.
I woke up at about 6:00 in the evening, in a cold, damp sweat and saw Paul in the seat by my bed, flicking through The Bulletin. I managed to sneak a look at the cover, the cover story was about the hunt for the bombers of K200, but my heavy breathing gave me away and Paul looked up and hid the magazine cover.
“You’re awake. Did you have another bad dream?” He managed to ask.
“Yeah.” I said, trying to take deep breaths. “They are getting bad now”
“I suppose they would be by now. You should talk to someone about it Cam. It might do you good.” Paul suggested.
“How could I talk to someone who wasn’t there? No offence or anything Paul, but trying to talk to a psychologist would simply not cut it. They would tell me about how normal it is to feel these feelings, but no one else would know what I’m feeling unless they were there.
The only person who comes close to understanding these feelings that I am going through is you, Paul. Truthfully, you are the closest thing to a friend that I have at the moment.” I said.
Having Paul there, the closest thing to a friend at the moment, I was grateful for the support; despite he being 35, and me being 23, as well as the fact that I used to be a student at his school.
This was the oddest thing that had happened to me in my life, thus far. But then again, I had come to expect the unexpected after all I had lost my best friend so what else could go wrong?
“What was that?” I asked, not really hearing what Paul said.
“What I said was that you should do what you feel like doing. I cannot stipulate what you should or should not do with your life, but as long as you take what I say into consideration.” Paul said softly.
“Thanks Paul. I know that you are looking out for me, and I am glad for that. You really are the only friend that I have at the moment.”
My life has been full of weirdness and this moment was truly surreal.
The dreams that I had that night were truly terrifying. The dreams were basically me surrounded by tall jets of flames, which when they were down and only about a foot of the ground; revealed corpses and limbs which were not attached to bodies. There were even bodiless heads; with eyes open and staring right at me.
The worst of it was that I could see a body and I managed to walk over to it, and I discovered that it belonged to Alec. His eyes were open and his face had a look of terror on it.
It was then I woke up screaming and sweating.
The next morning, I was awake at 5:00 and I just stayed lying in bed, not really paying attention to anything that happened until Paul came in at 8:00.
“How bad were they Cam?” Paul asked.
“The worst yet. I was surrounded by flames and headless and limbless corpses. I even saw the corpse of Alec; which had a look of terror on its face.” I said, starting to cry. I could still see the images so vividly it was like it never left and I was still sweating like I could feel the heat, despite the outside temperature being no more then 15°c.
“I’m sad that you are still having the dreams. But I think that, unfortunately, the dreams will continue to get worse before the get better.” Paul said.
“Don’t say that, please, I could not, nay, I cannot bare these dreams for much longer. They take so much out of me; that I feel tired before the day has even began. I have been awake since five o’clock since this morning and I just wish the dreams would go away and never return.”
“No doubt you hope that and in time it will Cameron. But you just got to force yourself to go on; you may not like it, but one must do things which one sometimes doesn’t like.”
God, I so hated it one Paul was right all the time.
“Tell me P, what’s the response from the government been like?” I asked, deciding to finally take an interest.
“Just the usual promises. We will hunt them down and punish them, so on and so forth. They already found out where the bombers come from- there were about a dozen of them and the government believes that they are from Indonesia, Afghanistan and Pakistan.” Paul replied.
“Let me guess, it is breeding xenophobia amongst the government, but we are led to believe it is actually in the public?” I asked.
“You got it in one.”
“When I get better, I will make this government pay, I swear. It has blood on its hands I know this much. Help me into my wheelchair; I want to go out in the garden.” I said to Paul, seeking a place of tranquility- or anything that resembled it- to seek solace from the world.
The hospital garden was about medium size, for the hospital was surrounded by houses, but the garden was big enough to give people a break from the wards.
Many people probably enjoyed the roses and lilies, with friends and loved ones, but for me it was a scene from heaven, but with one central character noticeably absent.
“Paul, I think I’m near the end of the road, mentally. I am so exhausted everyday and I just hate being a trouble so much to you- I mean for fucks sake you were my goddamn teacher a few years back. I give up- go away” I said angrily.
Before he could respond, I wheeled away from him, leaving him n shock. At that moment, I actually “got off” on the look of shock on his face.
A few days later, I discovered that I had to start rehab and do two hours, three days a week. This was going to affect me even more so, I thought.
“Come on Cam, just one more step” my PT instructor Sam encouraged me.
Physical Therapy, three times a week for the past two weeks and ongoing.
It had been another five weeks since the interviews, four in hospital and five in my house which was now also home to Paul and Josie, although it manly seemed to be me and Paul there.
“Keep going, that’s it” Sam said, with Paul watching on from the side lines.
I reached the end of the track; which had two poles at hip length for me to use to drag along, and I collapsed into the wheelchair, grateful for the rest of my arms. Despite my legs having healed properly, the burns on them had not yet and combine that with a burn suit, it’s an unbearably amount of pain to suffer with.
“You did really well today Cam, didn’t he Paul?” Sam said.
“Yeah, you really did. You are taking a step forward every day, despite them being small ones, you are moving forward.” Paul said positively, with a huge beam on his face.
“Bullshit” I replied, getting pissed off by all this attention and hard work, wheeling away from the as fast as I could, and headed into a disabled toilet and start crying. Physically exhausted from using my arms and the fact that I was getting no where, it really, truly, pissed me off.
“Cam?” asked a voice from outside the door. It belonged to Paul.
“I’m in here.”
“Can I come in?” Paul asked.
“Might as well.” I replied as he came, trying to stop crying but I just couldn’t stop.
The look on Paul’s face, a look half between pity and kindness, it was such a moving look, I just continued to cry, I just couldn’t handle it anymore.
“Can I tell you something P?” I asked.
“Sure, go ahead.”
“I can’t take it anymore. I really just want to end it here, right now. If there was a gun, or a bottle of pills right on the sink top here, I would not hesitate to overdose or pull the trigger.”
Paul was crying and was visibly shaking; he was that shaken by the comments I had just revealed to him.
“Here’s a good reason not to; me and Josie. We know that you have been through a shit time, we respect that, but we are here to help you, we have put our life on hold. If you did top yourself think about what would happen to us. I know that I would never be able to do anything again, teach anyone or anything and I would become a slob. You were and still are a good person, one to have a laugh with, but also one who we trusted and confided in. Do you want to be responsible for that changing?”
I shook my head no.
“Good. Let’s head back home.”
Three months later
We were sitting on a beach; just Paul, Josie and me. It was this day that Alec would have turned 24, but he will forever be 23 and no more.
How I miss you everyday,
How much I wish you were here.
I try to live my life without you,
But you were the closest to me.
We had been best friends forever,
Can’t remember anytime without you.
We went through our life together,
And now you’re not here.
You were taken away forever more,
No one’s to ever see you again.
Taken in a big, bright blast,
By such horrible people.
Why a simple question I have.
But not any answers too.
I wish people would respond,
Instead of going and hiding.
Farewell my good friend,
You were my only hope.
We were close to each other,
But now only in spirit.
Together with a bunch of flowers and a surfboard figurine, I placed them and my poem into the ocean and we watched them being accepted by the gods.
We stayed like that for about an hour, each in our own thoughts.
One week later
“We need an inquiry and compensation, not just a half ass attempt at caring.” I said, speaking to a group of reporters outside the memorial.
Less then four months had passed since the bombing and the site of the former nightclub had been demolished, and in its place stood a green garden with newly planted trees and memorial slate with the names of the 400 who had died; another 200 were injured.
“We have been treated with unjust and no dignitary from the government. This is a government who has signed United Nations declaration 39/46 covering voluntary compensation to victims of torture; if suffering burns and loss of limbs and people who we have loved is not enough, then what is? Our government wants us to suffer at the hands of terrorists and not want anyone to be safe. Thank you.”
I had to make the speech, at the launch of the memorial, something which had been weighing on my mind for a few weeks now.
Paul and I headed off alone back to his car; I was still in my wheelchair and although I was still going to rehabilitation, my instructor, doctor and myself all doubted whether I will regain full use of my legs again.
That’s my story. I am still in a wheelchair, although that did not stop me from going to university and completing an education degree- I was motivated to do that by Paul and Josie. I have even taught at a few secondary schools, my longest posting was for two years.
I spend most of my time protesting the government for compensation and a Royal Commission, but so far I have been unsuccessful.
Thanks for reading- I hope this has taught you something. If it hasn’t- try to read between the lines.